Stephen Colbert celebrated the 15th anniversary of his Ben & Jerry’s Americone Dream flavor on The Late Show on Wednesday (March 2) in the only way he knows how: with a history-spanning, ripped-from-the-headlines tour of all the major milestones the vanilla with fudge-covered waffle cone pieces and caramel swirl treat has helped us celebrate.
Though he loves to belt a tune, Colbert brought in some ringers to help sing the praises of his sweet treat: Sara Bareilles and Josh Groban. And, man, did they deliver the dairy goodness, crooning a four-minute homage to all the iconic moments from the past decade-and-a-half that were just a bit tastier thanks to his fudgy concoction.
“Before you came along, life was such a rocky road,” Groban earnestly crooned while seated a white grand piano covered in rose petals. “Scoops of smiles, and scoops of tears/ Your sweet and chunky mixture made my heart explode/ A dream I’ve had for 15 years/ From when Dubya was in office, to Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s balls/ From the moment you were churned/ You’ve been there through it alls.”
From that point on, Groban and Bareilles ran through a panoply of probably not-true historical tales of life made easier with a scoop of the diary delight. “Americone Dream you were always there/ From the early days when Bezos still had hair,” sang Bareilles, seated on a couch and also surrounded by rose petals for some reason.
“From the first black president to his best friend Joe/ From Brett Farve’s penis to Aaron Rodgers’ COVID toe,” she continued, as Groban sang to a giant dancing pint of Dream while waxing rhapsodic about fidget spinners, selfie sticks, the scientific miracle of meatless burgers. Meanwhile, Sara praised Americone for, um, “inventing” 3D printing and drones and dubiously singing that the “i” in iPhone is short for “ice cream cones.”
They then joined voices on the uplifting chorus: “Americone Dream you’re frosty perfection,” before Bareilles got real, singing, “From Nancy’s first joint session to her first insurrection,” as Josh hit a high note with the definitely pants-on-fire claim, “Kanye interrupted Taylor with frozen cup of goo.” Sara doubled-scooped down by hilariously claiming that “Lady Gaga has a second dress that’s made out of you.”
With images of the giant pint dancing in the background, we learned that Dream was also allegedly responsible for LeBron James’ iconic “decision” about his career, somehow played a part in Clint Eastwood taunting an empty chair at the RNC before confusingly dropping the half-churned conspiracy theory that “Obama proved that you were born in a dairy in Vermont.” It got even sillier from there, with the pint PhotoShopped into Ellen’s famous Oscars selfie on the night John Travolta referred to Idina Menzel as “Adele Dazeem.”
“It was just because he couldn’t pronounce ‘Americone Dream,’” Groban belted with conviction. “American Dream you’ve seen us through it all,” they sang together. “Left Shark, Pokemon Go and the Fyre Festival!” It was a lot, especially the part about killing Osama Bin Laden with a “bullet made of fudge.”
All jokes aside, Colbert noted that all of his proceeds from the flavor are donated to hundreds of charities chosen by his staff every year, with $4,258,500 distributed to good causes since its debut.
Check out the video below.
